Thursday, November 24, 2016

Surviving the Trumpocalypse

So, here we are. Hopefully, you’ve been paying attention and realize how we got here. Now the questions needs to be: What exactly do we have? How do we survive it? And what can be done about it?

To understand what we have, you first need to understand who’s in control. The answer’s obvious, but I don’t just mean the man who will soon be our president. I mean the man that he is, the man he’s been. What I and others have noticed is that the man fits a specific archetype that’s troubling, even dangerous if combined with potentially darker personality traits.

Whether he is mostly harmless, a sociopath, a psychopath is still in question. What’s not in question is that he is a Narcissistic Master Manipulator.

His favorite technique seems to be Pacing & Leading. The manipulator "paces" the public by mimicking his target’s emotional state. He then pushes those emotions by making statements that may be even more extreme than they ever would make. That's what really draws them in.

"The economy/politicians/media/etc. are even worse than we thought! He gets it. He has my vote!"

Once he's manipulated his target audience into believing he is the biggest badass on a given topic, he can then "lead." Since no one understands said topic(s) as well as he has made them believe he does, he is then free to "lead" them to whatever position he really wants to promote, because his target has already been manipulated to trust him, implicitly.

So, what’s his endgame? What does a Narcissistic Master Manipulator really want? He's likely to "lead" everything to the center in order to widen his trust with the public. That will set him up for an "O, he wasn't that bad" re-election campaign. It's the Narcissist aspect we can't ignore, though. That means whatever he's out for, it needs to benefit him, most. That it actually benefits anyone else is just gravy. Gravy is always a part of any good con.

So, what’s the con?

My guess is that, at best, he just wants to enhance his brand. What better way to expand the brand than to attain the highest office in the land, if not the world. If that's the case, watch for him to be more mascot than president, traveling & making appearances that make America, & by default himself, look Great. Actual governing will be left up to others.

At worse, he wants use the office to benefit his businesses. For signs of that, look for him to do nothing about the conflicts of interest created by his office & his family's business. If he liquidates, we'll know he's thinking of Americans first. If he justs hands it all off to his kids, you can be pretty sure there will be deals being cut that will directly benefit The Organization, both domestically & abroad. If he holds to his proposed economic policy, the nation will suffer.

At worst, he wants power for power’s sake. People like that don’t like to give it up. If that’s the case, look for increased domestic surveillance, suppression of the media & free speech, likely through litigation. The slightest excuse might lead to a state of emergency, extending & possibly prolonging his power.

We've all been manipulated, to one degree or another, for a long time. None of us are any less guilty than the other. It opened the door for a Master Manipulator to step in & turn it all to his advantage. Everybody already sort of hated the other. All that needed to be done was to stoke the right fires in the right places at the right times, & viola...

In a sense, what's happening now is part of a continuing manipulation. Not only are the divisions of one side against "the other" laid bare & hurting, now there's infighting, groups usually seeking common goals blaming & shaming each other. We've been royally Trumped!

Now we need to heal. We need to come together. ALL of us. If we continue to distract ourselves with the petty squabbles, no one will be watching while he takes it all down, or all for himself. It’s not a question of whether or not we can survive this. We can. We will. Society moves on despite oligarchs & tyrants. The real question is can we come out of this intact? The answer depends on whether we can get past the blaming, the guilt, the fear, and the hate. If we can turn our attention to what really matters, I like our prospects.



Thursday, October 13, 2016

Enough!

I'm truly blessed to have one of the most beautiful women in the world as my life partner. Unfortunately, there is a downside. It seems that the prettier a woman is, the more some men believe that there is an open invitation to treat that woman like their own personal sex object.

I've lost count of the number of times Valerie has come to me, sometimes in tears, because some presumptuous man crossed a line, solely because he felt he could, solely because he thought he was entitled to say or do as he pleased with regard to those of the fairer sex.

Now we are faced with the poster child for this kind of behavior possibly being handed the keys to the country. The proportion of the public willing to overlook that behavior will be very telling about the direction of our nation. 


To support that vile monster is to endorse his behavior. To endorse his behavior is to say "It's fine. It's the way women deserve to be treated. It was fine that Valerie has been treated that way, that our mothers, our sisters, our daughters have been treated that way, & it's fine that they will continue to put up with it. Boys will be boys, after all."

If it's okay for a president to do it, it's okay for every man, for our brothers, for our sons.

No woman deserves that, not Val, nor any woman on this planet. If you can't see that, while I still love you, you cannot remain a part of my circle. You either have a poor grasp on what women have to put up with on a daily basis, or worse, you condone it.

I raised my sons to treat women with the utmost respect. They haven't been perfect. I, myself, can't claim to have always behaved like a perfect gentleman. This culture, let's call it what it is
Rape Culturehas gone on for far too long. It's time decent men rise up & speak out against Trump, speak out against the inhumanity of sexualizing others purely as a show of our power over them. If we are to salvage what's left of the little bit of decency our society is holding onto, we cannot afford to sit back silently. We have to rise up, speak out, & fight for change.

#ENOUGH! #NotOk


Adapted from a Facebook post

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Sons of the Equinox













Green slips to red, to yellow, to brown
before it all comes fluttering down,
leaving nothing
behind but skeletons with empty
arms, perpetually asking, “Why?”
to the darkening sky.

Both my boys are autumn born,
sons of the Equinox,
always falling away 
& coming back, falling
away & coming back.

They first fell away in the fall of ‘93—
I gave them away, 
left abandoned—dead
mother, runaway bride
no way to pay 
for their care;
I was an inadequate tree, 
Poe buried
in an unmarked grave, 
overgrown
with weeds, 
sucked
dry by mosquitoes.

They came back at eight,
left by nine, back by ten, again.
Battle after battle:
some won, some lost,
most simply drawn,
quartered.

& by twelve, I thought
I had won the war
against the callous world
& its cruel whore.

In high school, the older got caught
selling weed to feed 
his young gambling
habit. 
The younger's quest 
to always be the best
left him too good for me. 
Both ended fluttering 
away, one last time.

On occasion, they sprout
at my fingertips, their weight
pulling at me;
but I never expect them to hang
on. There is no point.
The Sons of the Equinox
always find new
reasons to leave.

**Written during Challenges for the Delusional at the Village Learning Place in Baltimore-September 22, 2012**

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Middle River

It was the first truly nice day of the year in 1982, one of those sunny, warm early March days that preview the coming spring. I still had no friends. I was still the weird, non-white kid from Jersey who wore his snow boots until well after all the snow had melted, then replaced those with a pair of Sikes, counterfeit Nikes with the swoosh glued on upside down. 

Having a pair Sikes may have been worse than wearing the ducks when there was no snow on the ground. I had people start calling me Freddy in lieu of Fernando. It sounded more American in this place, Middle River, where I was the darkest skinned person, the closest being a girl of Native American descent. Besides, I couldn’t abide the twang that came out when the kids pronounced the nan in Fernando. Also, Freddy was the nickname everyone called my father, who had no idea we had left Jersey. Even then, I suspected I would never see him again. As much as anything else, it was a twelve-year-old’s way to honor his dad.

I decided that the day was too gorgeous to be spoiled by the fact I had no friends on that gorgeous pre-spring Saturday. I slipped on my Sikes, picked a direction, and just started walking. For as much as I hated Middle River, it was beautiful. There were huge, wooded expanses and lush greenery everywhere. I found a creek and followed it.

I walked for what seemed miles, but I’m sure was far less, until I ran into someone I thought I recognized, a girl. “Freddy?” she called out to me with a smile. It was Kim from class at my new school, Stemmers Run Junior High. I didn’t know her well. A taller, thin wisp of girl who wore turquoise tortoise shell glasses. She had seemed shy, not exactly the girl I typically hung out with. But she was a friendly face, something I was desperate for. She invited me into her home, and I welcomed it.

She got me something to drink, and we went into her nicely manicured baack yard and talked a bit, about what I don’t completely remember.But I do remember that she was the first person to show an interest in who I was rather than what I was. 


I’m sure I went on and on about Jersey, about all the friends I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to, about my now dashed dream of studying acting at the New York School of Performing Arts—the so-called Fame school. Eventually, Kim asked me if I wanted to listen to some music.

So we lay on her lawn, looking at the wide, blue sky, listening to Elton John. The song Daniel was her favorite. Kim had an older brother named Daniel who she’d lost, and the song served as a tribute, a reminder of what she’d lost. By the time side A of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road was over we were holding hands. I felt compelled to kiss her. We hung out for a little while longer, holding hands, kissing; but by the end of the last side of the album, I felt ready to move on. I kissed her one last time before heading back home.

By the time the weekend was over and we’d returned to school, it was as if nothing had happened, as if we both knew we had just needed that moment to shake off the loneliness that had been plaguing us both—that it had been enough.

Things would change quickly from that point on. I would soon begin to hang out with a group of troublemakers from my new home in the Riverdale Village apartment complex we’d moved to. I would spend the next nine months transforming from straight A student to an alcholic, juvenile delinquent. I didn’t know then that I would almost get arrested a few times, tag along for a gangbang behind Middlesex Library only to be turned away once I got there—“not the one with the glasses,” the girl would say—I would even help burn a cross.

But all that would come later. However, on that warm, late winter day in 1982, I just needed to feel like I belonged somewhere, again. For the briefest moment, Kim gave me exactly that. If only I had buried myself in that, in Kim’s kind offer of friendship, I might’ve avoided the dark spiral I would soon fall into.



Saturday, July 9, 2016

Flag House


“Okay, we’re recording now.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Everything you say from this point forward will be on record.”

“Right. I understand.”

“Great! Why don’t we start with letting us know who you are? Your name, and your position.”

“Sure. My name is Alex Ortiz. I’m a Secretary Director in the Office of Family Assistance, a part of Administration for Children and Families, a division of the United States Department of Health and Human Services.”

“I think we have that cleared up. Now, let’s move on to why you asked me here. How can I help?”

“I’m resigning. I’ve had enough. I’m leaving.”

“With all due respect, Mr. Ortiz, people leave their government jobs everyday. Unless you’re a cabinet secretary, quitting your job isn’t a big deal. I mean, unless there’s some juicy scandal involved. Did you get caught embezzling, Mr. Ortiz? Did you sleep with someone you shouldn’t have.”

“No! Nothing like that.”

“Well then, why should I care? Why should anyone care?”

“Well, that’s the problem, isn’t it? Nobody does care, do they? I mean, some care. For a minute. If it makes it into the news cycle. Don’t get me wrong. There are a few, like me, who care plenty. Care too much. Maybe that’s because we hope that we can care enough for the rest of you, but that’s not true. There’s not enough of us for that.”

“Care about what?”

“About what’s tearing up the very fabric of this country, the cancer that eats us from within.”

“I’m sorry. Don’t you think you’re being a bit cryptic and hyperbolic?”

“Sure! Sure. Let’s be real. We can’t cure a disease we don’t understand, can we?

“So, let’s take a look at what’s happening out here. Poor or low income families make up half of our country. More than a quarter of all blacks live in poverty, nearly as many Hispanics. A third of the families on welfare are black, but Hispanics and whites each make up nearly just as much. But it’s the African American community that bears the brunt of the blame for the need for social programs. When anybody says welfare, the image of the unmarried, black mother who’s too lazy to work, but can’t stop doing drugs and having children we have to pay for is the first one that comes to mind for a lot of people. For some, it’s the only image.”

“So you’re quitting because poverty has an image problem?”

“It does. 37% of people on SNAP, or what we used to call food stamps, are white compared to only 22% of all recipients made up of African Americans. Of course, that might be different if we had a living wage and didn’t have to supplement incomes for so many working families. You know, about 60% of people on food stamps work but just don’t earn enough to cover their bills and eat. But the myths persist, and they create enough resistance for anything to truly change. But, no, that’s not why.”

“So, why then?”

“Because nothing changes. Nothing seems to ever change, not where the change is really needed.”

“And where is that?”

“In the very communities we want to blame for the problem. If they’re not killing each other, the people we pay to protect us are killing them or locking them up, and for some reason, that’s just fine with plenty of people. One less thug on the streets is an improvement.

“But they’re wrong. I may work in Washington, but I still live in Baltimore. I grew up in Baltimore, and I’ve had a front row seat to the devastation that systemic poverty has wreaked in large pockets of that city.”

“So this is about Freddie Gray?”

“No, man! Freddie Gray is about this. Do you want to know why I got into this line of work?”

“Only if it’s relevant.”

“I could point to a number of things--being raised on welfare, by a single mother who struggled with drugs and alcohol, never really knowing my father or even having had a strong male role model in my life; but to be perfectly honest, my childhood wasn’t as bad as some.

“I was dating a girl named Sol when I was still at Temple. Her father named her that because when she smiled, it was like the sun suddenly appeared in the sky. Sol had two young daughters, and a deadbeat of an ex-husband. She was living in Flag House at the time, one of the high rise housing projects we finally began tearing down in 1990s. It was notorious as the type of housing that would be taken over by drug dealers, like you’d see in Homicide or The Wire. She would usually meet me at the room I rented during summer breaks from school. But we were eating in Little Italy, one time, and it didn’t make sense to go across town to my place when we were right in the shadow of the towers.

Flag House was so close to the Inner Harbor, I’d walked past them plenty of times, but walking up to them, at night, under the gloom of street lamps? It was intimidating, even to a kid with my background. This is what my mother was always hustling to keep us out of. The gauntlet of angry, young black men all staring you down as you walk past didn’t make it any easier.

“Sol had warned to keep my arm around her, and to keep my eyes straight ahead, or towards her until we made it into the building. Inside, there was just one working elevator. The other one had been disabled by the dealers to have more control over who went anywhere, and to make it easier to evade police.

“When the elevator finally arrived—maybe it was just the anxiety of so many violent eyes on me, but it felt like we were waiting for an eternity for it—the doors opened, and I had to steel myself so I didn’t gag at that rancid ammonia smell left from old urine. Fortunately, she lived on the eighth floor. I don’t know that I could have taken it if she had lived any higher.

“We stopped to check in on her daughter, first. The family across the hall was watching her. Sol introduced me to three women. The oldest was in her mid 40s. She lived there with her daughter, approaching 30, and her daughter, a pregnant teen who already had an infant daughter. Four generations of women, all living in the only home they’d ever known.

“I wasn’t surprised. I had just taken a course on the sociology of poverty, so I had read plenty about the vicious cycle that plagues many African American women. In a society where the men readily abandon their partners and children, the female parent typically exhibits resentment towards her own children. If that child is a girl, she will seek intimacy in the arms of anyone willing to give it. Sadly, that usually ends up being one of the very black males that will disappear the very moment a child comes into the equation.

“But that’s fine, because that girl’s going to have a child, someone that will finally love her unconditionally. But then, the reality of parenting hits, and she has no one to help her, except the mother who drove her away in the first place. And sometime during the sleepless night and the endless crying, she ends up resenting her own child.

“They turn to alcohol and drugs to escape the loneliness, get addicted, turn to stealing or prostitution to feed the habit. And when they realize they need help, they have to wait for weeks before a bed becomes available in a treatment center. Weeks is too long to survive in that environment without giving in to the physical trauma of withdrawal and the desire to escape it. By the time the bed is open, they moment has passed, the desire to stop has been stifled. And on it goes.

“I understood the concept, but to see it, to meet the very women that had only existed in textbooks and research papers for me… That’s what put everything I was doing in perspective for me.”

“Okay, so I get why you do it. Why are you stopping?”

“I got up and got dressed early the next morning. I was fine in the safety of Sol’s apartment, but I was eager to be out of Flag House. Worse than taking forever, it seemed like the one working elevator wasn’t working at all. I thought, maybe the dealers disabled that one, too, once the workday was done. I decided to take the stairs.

“It was like descending a level of Hell. Most of the lights were out. The stench of urine and feces was overpowering. Once my eyes adjusted, I could just make out addicts, curled in dark corners, sleeping off their highs. I don’t think I was ever as happy to see the Sun as I was coming out of that stairwell.

“Just a couple of blocks west, there was this small field of bright yellow flowers planted on a large median just off the Jones Falls Expressway, a splash of beauty haunted by the shadow of those towers. I walked into it a bit, fell to my knees and cried. I’d walked past that very spot plenty of times, too, and never had the flowers looked so glorious. I got myself together, stood up, and turned back toward flag house. I could see someone looking down, hands gripped on the fence that wrapped around each tower like chainmail, and I wondered how the flowers looked from there. Could they even see them?”

“Like you said, they brought all those high rises down.”

“Yeah, but they just spread the problems out into surrounding counties. We eliminated the fortresses dealers used to operate a little more easily, but we also created easier access for addicts migrating from Oxycontin and other overprescribed opiates. All we did is relocate their businesses to the suburbs, expanding their customer base”

“So you failed. That’s why you’re quitting?”

“We all failed. We continue to fail. We bicker about details and blame, and look for easy fixes instead of solutions. Look at the program I run, Healthy Marriage and Responsible Fatherhood. We’ve given out 150 million dollars in grants for programs to promote stable marriages and responsible fatherhood. Has any of that made a difference? We have our success stories. Most of these programs do. But you can’t force most kids who grew up in that environment, without fathers in their lives themselves, to want to be good fathers.”

“You’re leaving because you realize it’s hopeless.”

“I wouldn’t say hopeless. There are programs that have been shown to work effectively. Music and art programs that were successful in countries with similarly impoverished and violence-riddled urban populations have been imported into a few cities. Anything that uses up idle time and offers kids a healthy way to express themselves helps, including sports. Some school systems hire social workers to follow up on potential truants and make sure students have anything they need to succeed in school. But that’s only happening in small pockets. It’s nearly impossible to get those programs funded with the political climate the way it is. Generally, we’re cutting arts to give these kids more time to study for standardized tests, a half-assed attempt to make up some of the ground we’ve lost to other students around the world. Not hopeless, just… not full of hope.”

“But wasn’t that what Obama was selling?”

“Sure. But he’s not just the black president, he’s the president. He can’t be seen as only partial to black people problems. Besides, Republicans have used gerrymandering and low voter turnout for midterm elections to entrench themselves in Congress. They oppose anything that may end up looking like a win for him. They’re just coming around to the costs of mass incarceration, even if only from a financial perspective. But what do they have to come out to? With few prospects, many will end up right back in a life of crime. They will survive, whatever way they can.”

“So what happens, now?”

“Who knows. Maybe we’ll keep doing the right things. Maybe we’ll show them that we value them enough that they begin to value themselves. Only when they value their own lives will they begin to value the lives of others. Or maybe we keep dividing ourselves, keep blaming them for a situation we’re all responsible for creating. Maybe we keep treating them all like the dangerous criminals a few of them are.

“If that happens, we’re talking about despair of Palestinian proportions. Eventually, that deep seated rage they use to destroy each other will be turned outward. Black on black violence will transition to black on everything else violence. They’ll be prime for recruitment by terrorist organizations, if the gangs, themselves, don’t become domestic terrorist outfits. We’ll be more scared. We’ll double down on the use of law enforcement & incarceration to try and restore order, kill guilty and innocent, alike, deepen their resentment of us. And the spiral descends downward to... who knows where. But wherever that is, I don’t want to be around to see it. I can’t.”

“Where will you go, Mr. Ortiz. What will you do now?”

“I’m going home, Mr. Fitz. Puerto Rico. My family's from Ponce. I wasn’t born there, but I spent summers there. I have a profound connection to the people. They face many of the same issues, but they’re all worse off, financially. They need me, and there, even small deeds can have large impacts.”

“So that’s it, then. You’re giving up.”

“Not giving up. Just giving in. This country hasn’t hit bottom, yet. Keeping everyone divided for the benefit of a few has proven to be an effective strategy. When America get tired of shooting itself in the foot, over and over, I’ll be back. That is, if I’m not too in love with life in the tropics.”

“Ha! Well, if you know who wins, I might be right behind you.”

“Absolutely. Come check me out. I’ll show you all the great beaches the tourists don’t know about.”

“Well, I think we have enough. I'll get this to my editor, but to be honest, there's nothing new here. You realize, none of this will likely see the light of day?”

 “Sure. I get it. The information's been out there, but the people who need it most still don't get it. 

“And they won't. Unless you get Fox to put it out there, but you know that's not going to happen. I'm sorry. I see how important this is to you. I wish there was more I could do. Before we wrap, is there anything you’d like to add.”

“No, I think you have the basics. Except, and I’ll leave it at this: We’ve figured out that addicts don’t have to hit rock bottom to finally decide to enter recovery. They only need a moment of lucidity powerful enough for them to realize that they are killing themselves. There a large part of this country that’s addicted to fear. It controls the way they live, the way they vote, the way they treat the people they’ve been taught to fear. Let’s hope America has it’s moment of lucidity, because rock bottom will come with unbridled violence and race wars. And let’s hope that when that moment of lucidity comes, there will be a bed available, before it all collapses.”

Thursday, July 7, 2016

#niggersmatter

Another one gone...
...& another one gone.

Where were you?
Still celebrating your Independence,
still picking beer pickled bbq out
of your teeth?

Did you look up from your reverie
long enough to toss a hashtag
into a virtual wind between peeks
of omg pics & lol kittens?

Or maybe you sdmh'd in disgust,
not for the dead, but because here comes another
news cycle spent dodging the issue,
or having to whitesplain how all
lives matter
, until you get home
& listen to the Fox whisper,
demonize the lives of niggers
who really don't mean shit
to you.

Do something,
right now: go to a mirror,
look into your eyes,
try to see the faces
of those who died—Do you remember
any? Do you remember
a name? Perhaps
you can think of your one black friend, then—
& tell yourself: niggers matter,
niggers matter,
even niggers matter.

Even niggers who be stealin', lootin',
hookin', shootin',
all that!

Even niggers matter.

What you call crime,
is simply survival.

You want to blame
us for our predicament,
because you refuse to look in mirror—
admit it, you haven't done it yet—
& accept that you have stood idly
while we struggled,
idly while we try to overcome
poverty,
substandard education,
locked up fathers,
drug addict mothers,
& the only chance we see
to rise are devils
disguised as saviors,
& the only scholarships
we're offered is to the University of State Pen.

But none of that matters.

None of it matters,
because you have yet to admit
niggers matter.

If you really thought
we mattered,
we would think
we matter.

Pull yourself away
from that mirror,
& if you now truly believe
ALL lives matter,
join us.
Help us
commemorate our martyrs
& demand for us the dignity
you claim 
all lives deserve.

Or not.

But be'ware,
there's only so much injustice
we will take before forced
to put flames to our tongues
& breathe a fire
hot enough
to ignite the sky.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Coke Is It!

I’m sitting around a small kitchen table with my friend Nicky, Roberto, the drug dealer I’d just met, and twenty-eight grams of powder cocaine. There is a pot of coke on the stove, mixed with water and baking soda, boiling down to crack rock. That isn’t for us. Ricky and I decided to go half on an ounce of dust. It was easier to sell without having to piss off the dealers in the projects and poorer neighborhoods. Pissed off ghetto dealers will shoot you. Powder sells to anyone.

I’m not happy doing this. My mother died a little over six months ago. AIDS. I had sworn never to use hard drugs after watching heroin annihilate her. Selling them is just as bad. Worse. I feel like I’m about to enable chaos for dozens of people.

I’ve justified it to myself. I told myself that it was my only choice, my last option. If this didn’t work... I have two children, two beautiful boys. Fernando, my oldest, had turned two in October. We call him Boo because he looked so scared when he was born. Cristiano, born thirteen months later, had just turned one. He came out looking like Leonard Nimoy, so we call him Spock. I had just spoken to their mother, Maria, and she had nothing to offer.

Maria and I split up a few weeks ago. It was a long time in coming. She was barely sixteen when we met, and I was just some horny, nineteen year old virgin. It wasn't long before she had the baby she’d chosen me for. Cristiano, our second child, was no one’s choice.

When Cris was born, Maria went despondent. She paid a minimal amount of attention to Cris. I spent more time with him, and I was working forty hours a week, selling camera equipment for Ritz. When she had recuperated from labor, a very easy labor where she practically shot Cris out of her womb like a cannon, Maria started to let me know that she felt as if she’d wasted her childhood.

I had warned her when we first started dating that we were too young to start a family. My mother had her first child at sixteen, and I was witness to the disasters that can befall the family of a single, teenaged mother. I don’t recommend it. But it was exactly what Maria wanted, and she had chosen me to father her child. I had done my part. I could hang around or go away. The choice was mine.

I chose to stay. I had never had a father around, even though I was the first child my mother had in wedlock. My father had spent some time in jail, and once he got out, my parents just couldn’t pick up the pieces, mostly because mom had started using again, mostly because dad had been in jail. I was eight the last time I saw my dad. There was no fucking way I was going to be that father.

I stayed. I stayed even though I suspected that it wouldn’t be long before this maternal instinct gave way to a need to be young and free. I stayed through three years of pointless arguments, futile fights, and painful cheating. The last six months were the worst. Maria would be waiting for me to get home from work so she could flee for the night. What started out as a little partying on the weekends had become a nightly celebration of her youth. I’d spend the night tossing, turning, and crying until the sun began creeping out and I would finally hear her key in the door. There was no doubt she was fucking anyone but me, in the end.

I was buying my first home, a small rowhouse on the four hundred block of North Rose Street. It was during the height of The Great White Flight from Baltimore. What I didn’t know was that the drug area that had once started closer to North East Market was creeping down to our block. The neighborhood seemed like it was falling apart, and Maria having gotten her jaw broken by some thug that summer was proof of that.

I felt lucky to have found a place on the south end of Patterson Park, right on Eastern Ave. It was three stories tall, had four bedrooms, big enough for us, the kids, and my younger sister and brother, who had gravitated to me after we’d lost our mom. It looked like the perfect place to make a fresh start.

I had even convinced Maria that it was the best thing for the children, the best thing to save our relationship. The friends she made on Rose Street only enabled her bad behavior. But on the last day of September, the day before we were supposed to move, Maria decided she was going to stay. Her friend Tammy—they were both dancing at the Golden Nugget on The Block—was going to move in, and together they would cover the mortgage. At least that was the plan. ...until it wasn't.

Like anything else in her life, Maria was unable to remain committed to even that. It only took a couple weeks before she decided to try her hand (or is that her ass?) at dancing for more money in New York. With her stretchmarks, I doubted she could pull it off, but I was still left with a house I would soon lose and two children I could barely take care of. But I had to try.

I found someone to live in the house on Rose Street, although I never did get much more than the first month’s rent from her. As far as childcare was concerned, I had this girl named Kim move in. We had flirted on a few occasions, and as was often the case, I was her go-to guy to call whenever she had boy problems. Kim would sleep in my bed, as long as I understood that she wasn’t really ready to start a relationship. That was cool. I was a gentleman. I just needed her to watch the boys when I went to work. She wasn’t really ready for that either, though.

I would get home, and the boys would be wearing the same diapers they wore when I had left. I wasn’t sure that they’d been fed. I wasn’t sure that they’d even spent any time out of their playpen. It was miserable. But there was nothing better I could afford selling cameras for $6.50 an hour. I had yet to learn the art of the sale, so commissions were still light. I had to do something.

I went to Social Services, sat in their grungy, stank sitting room for hours just to get a bunch of dirty looks and to be told that I didn’t qualify for help. I might qualify for childcare, but the waiting list was six months long. So yeah, when the chance came up to make a small investment for my children’s future, illegal as it might be, distasteful as I found it, I went for it.

Nicky was a DJ. He came from a large Filipino family that were all into music and dancing. We would all pile into a couple of cars and head down to Traxx Nightclub in D.C. on teen night, and because I was twenty-one, I could buy pitchers of beer and get everyone drunk. They loved me.

Nicky came to me with the proposition, and I had just gotten my Christmas bonus, not to mention Christmas commissions. If you can’t sell cameras at Christmas, you don’t belong in the business. Nicky had the connection. It would already be vialed into individual grams. All I had to do was put in my half and drive up with him. I would even see Maria, who had been dodging me on sending money to help with the kids. It felt right.

Granted, when I did see Maria, when I figured out she had nothing to offer, everything suddenly felt very wrong.


***

I’m a terrible drug dealer. Nicky’s already sold his, and I’m still stuck with most of mine. I’m too nice. I immediately start selling on credit to friends who promise to pay me on payday. Payday comes and goes, and I never see the money. If it wasn’t for my little brother, Joe, selling some at the supermarket where he stocked shelves, the whole ordeal would have been a disaster. Nicky ends up buying a lot of my stake, at cost of course.

It doesn’t take me very long to realize that this isn’t going to work out. And after only four short months, the family was falling apart. My sister’s fallen in love. She’s practically living with the guy, and it isn’t going to be long before she stays with him for good. Joe and I are constantly fighting about the noise he and his friends make when I’m trying to sleep after a long day’s work. I’m tired of listening to Kim talk about all the boys she’s interested in, none of them me. My poor sons are still suffering.

If my mother were still around...

Eventually, the desperation eats at me. I go to Maria’s father, Jupiter. It’s not my mother, but if anyone has an interest in seeing Boo and Spock thrive, it should be their grandfather. Maybe once he understands the situation, he’ll at least agree to help pay for childcare. Not so.

However, his new wife Karen, formerly his daughter’s babysitter, has been bugging him to have his vasectomy reversed because she wants a kid of her own. His offer? He’s willing to take Boo off my hands, if only to show Karen that the experience of parenthood isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. His ex-wife, Martha, would take Spock. Those are my options: give away the children I fought so hard for, or think of myself and allow them to continue living a squalid, meager existence.

Of course, when word reaches Maria, she’s back in Baltimore within days, in my face, raving about how dare I give up her children. As always, she has no real solutions. Maria’s return to Baltimore, especially her insistence on staying at the new house with me and the gang, hastens the inevitable. For however bad things were, Maria’s manic energy makes matters worse. My sister moves in with her new beau. My brother moves in with his girlfriend and her mother. Kim, my ersatz nanny, also moves back home.

I find a couple of rooms to rent across the street from my old middle school, the former Hampstead Hill Junior High, whose name changes with every infamous atrocity that occurs within its walls. Within weeks of handing over Boo & Spock to my in-laws, the house that was supposed to save us, keep our little family together, is just another abandoned, empty shell in the neighborhood. For the first time in my life I am totally, utterly alone.

I bury myself in my work. I learn the art of the sale: You’re selling yourself, not the camera. I start taking cameras home, and shooting during long walks on my way to work, from Highlandtown to Harborplace, and back. The store manager begins displaying my pictures. Apparently, I have a good eye. I even start getting work shooting weddings and other events. It feels good.

I’d failed as a husband. I’d failed as a father. I’d certainly failed as a drug dealer. I’d failed at keeping a house or even my family together. I needed this, something I could feel good at, feel good about. Having nothing finally gives me the space to make something of myself.