Friday, June 15, 2012

Candelario

Another from the hoard. This one chose me. I came across an old schedule book from 1993, the year my uncle, Andres Candelario, died. I grabbed the book, and it opened to my original, handwritten version of this poem which I composed after visiting him in the hospital during his last days, as his body gave in to AIDS complications. His last name derives from candela, the Spanish word for flame, also related to candle, chandelier & lamplighter. Uncle Andy's last days are also chronicled in my short story, The Handsome Man.



















Candelario

Yea, though your candles glow dimly—
stubs to the towers I once saw—
and yea, though you walk through
the shadow of a death you deserve,
I come to your bedside,
not to blow out your puny, pungent flames,
but to watch them die
out on their own, perhaps
even stoke them a bit,
with forgiveness.


No, I don’t forget
the days we had nothing,
yet you took it all,
anyway, to sell for a few days'
euphoria. But I also remember
holding your hand through the streets
of Manhattan, your friends laughing
as you put the dice in my hand,
shouting every time I rolled sevens.

I don’t forget the tears
abuelita shed
every time you were caught
in the act, or after the fact,
not knowing which of you would survive
this incarceration. But I also remember
walking through schoolyards
with you, my friends asking,
“Is that your dad?”
the temptation, not knowing
my real father, to simply say,
“yes!”

I don’t forget the peace
you broke, showing your face,
waving your carrots
in mami’s face, pulling
her off her wagon
by her teeth. But I also remember
the tears you crying at my bedside
as I lay on the brink
of death, again
the porno
mags you gave me working
as well as any medicine.

I owe you no debt,
Candelario

the days I basked
in your glow are equal
to the days I wished
to spit your flame out

tears & smiles flowed
concurrently. Yet,
one last request,
since you are incapable
of making one: please
tell mami I said, “hello.”

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Poets in Preston Gardens on Channel 2

¡I was on the news! ¿Did you miss it? So did I. However, I got a copy of the clip & posted it to my YouTube channel. Features organizer Sarah Edelsburg, Kate Gillespie, & Ron Kipling Williams. Unsung Hero Award goes to Andy Rubin
The clip includes an excerpt from my signature poem, Snapshot. I did record my whole performance. ¡I'll post it as soon as I finish editing it down to YouTube sized bites!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Yeah, yeah, I look like Prince. ¡Get over it!



Today is Prince Rogers Nelson's Birthday. In honor of his 54th here's another entry from my MySpace archives. It was originally published on March 23, 2006...


So, I couldn't be bothered to put clothes on today—at least not until my son was due home from lacrosse practice. That would be just too weird. Anyway, I never made it to the record store to pick up a copy of Prince's newest joint, 3121. Ergo folx, no review. Yet. So, just to tide you over, I'll tell you about my life with The Artist.

If you're keeping up, and you're probably not, I shut down my store last Friday. I decided I'd take the young ladies who work with me out for a few drinks to celebrate. Now, it's also St. Patrick's Day, so my biggest fear was rowdy celebrants splashing green beer all over. Little did I know what I should have been worried about was some ghetto leprechaun bartender giving me a hard time.

I don't even get to my stool before I hear him shouting, "Look everybody, Prince is here!"

I didn't really hear him at first, so I'm like, "Huh?"

"The long curly black hair! You look like Prince." As if he had just shared a joke I wasn't in on.
Me

Prince
see the difference?


Before I go on, let me just say that, yes, I do realize that some people see all 5' 4.2" of me—the dark hair, the olive complexion, the chiseled jawline—and think, What kind of deal can I get for a Slurpee & a Big Bite. And yes, some even say I look like Prince.

It started way back in 9th grade when my buddy, Dave Purdue, asked me if I had heard of Prince. I didn't have a clue, so he took me up to his apartment, went into his mom's record collection, and showed me the album cover for Dirty Mind. "You sorta look like him," he pointed out, to which I shrugged my shoulders. It got a bit creepy with his mother staring at me the whole time and licking her lips at me as we left.

Then "Little Red Corvette" hit that summer. I didn't even realize it was the same guy, but everything changed after that. I would get it everywhere, in school, on the street, on public transportation. This is not to say it bothered me. Most often, it was a girl, and it would offer me the opportunity to flirt, so it wasn't all bad.

I'll even admit that my ex, a HUGE Prince fan, thought I looked like Prince when she first saw me. Granted, regardless of what attracted her to me in the first place, it was ME that won her over in the end, I think. She preferred me! I think...

The same goes for my current relationship. Now that I think about it, maybe every relationship I had was to fulfill some deep seated Prince fantasy...

I'm a bit of a fan myself. I've heard most of his music, know of his sexual conquests, in his prime, and have seen him live three times. I can't tell you how cool it was to get a free copy of Musicology during that tour. Hell, the man is sexy and can put on a good show. He's a talented writer, in his own right, so I liked to imagine that Prince and I were related in ways, as artists. Only difference was, I get fined for singing in public, and I escaped the Jehovah's Witnesses. He's apparently a recent convert.

Thankfully, I wasn't the only Prince look-alike in Baltimore. One kid that would occasionally hang out and drink on the playground with us even dressed the roll. He did the jackets, the tight pants, the high-heeled boots. Everything. It was a little gay, actually. And that was where it bothered me. I think only Prince can pull off Prince without coming across as gay. If I dressed like that and tried to pick up a girl, she would try to hook me up with her fey cousin, Rupert. There's nothing wrong with that, except that I wasn't, so I worried that I was registering on folx' gaydar.

Image result for prince symbolFortunately for me, Prince went through some eccentric times with name changes, contract issues, and occasionally crappy music. As his popularity waned, so did the comparisons. ...until this bartender, not too much taller than I am (who isn't?), dressed all in green, including his little Celtics cap, starts teasing me about it. It's like I'm back in high school, again. I ask him what's on tap, and he spouts off name brands like ice cream flavors at a Baskin Robbins, finishing the list with "Oh, & Purple Rain".

"I'll bypass the Purple Rain and shoot for the Blue Moon," I retort, trying to out-wit him. I thought of calling him a ghetto leprechaun later, but by then, the time had passed. You know how it is. Timing is everything.

Now I'm left wondering, considering Prince's recent resurgence, am I going to have to put up with all that again? Will a whole new generation of teenyboppers who love the way he wiggles start fawning over me because I look like somebody else? While it wouldn't be all bad, I'm secretly hoping that the album sucks so I won't have to deal with it anymore. Sadly, I hear it's his best work since Sign of the Times. Guess I'm screwed.

Monday, May 7, 2012

¡Thinking of the Master, SKAM!



UPDATE: Don't even bother reading this crap. I just finished heavy revisions. You can find a taste of Saving Fase by following the link. The rest will hopefully be in the upcoming issue of Smile Hon, You're in Baltimore.


 

Another entry pulled from my old MySpace blog. I'll be editing it for submission to Smile Hon, You're in Baltimore's next issue, dedicated to Baltimore's wonderful labyrinth of alleys. Pardon all the crazy formatting. I went a little crazy interspersing images back then...


So today we're talking about my life on the wrong side of the law. Actually, just one aspect of it considering I've had other brushes. Regardless, what you are about to read will probably preclude me from ever running for President of this or any country. As a matter of fact, I suppose I need this disclaimer for the kids out there: Some of the things I have done in my past are idiotic & dangerous. DO NOT ATTEMPT ANYTHING YOU READ IN THIS BLOG.

Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way, let me tell you about SKAM. I was 19, too old to be doing this shit really, and my mom had finally gotten fed up with Jose, her man-for-the-moment that Fall. We were all living together in a little house in East Baltimore when she decided to up and move out, taking my sister with her. I guess she figured I was old enough to fend for myself.

I wasn't about to stay with Jose either, so I got this buddy of mine, Chris Mills, to put me up. I should say, I got his parents to put me up, cuz Chris was only 16 and still living at home. Anything was better than staying with Jose. Chris looked just like Hermey, the elf that wants to be a dentist, on "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", but he was fun to hang around. We always found ways to get in trouble, like the night we were cutting across Patterson Park and got chased by a group of gay guys. Back then, I was just leery; Chris was downright homophobic. A man would die because of this right in that very park someday. Any how, He yelled something at them as they were coming out of some bar on Eastern Avenue, and next thing you know, they're chasing us through the park.

We were starting to worry as they started catching up, not to mention that we were running out of steam by the time we got to the tiny lake on the south end of the park. Just as I felt my lungs were gonna give out, we practically trip over a bike someone had abandoned near the lake. He jumped on the seat and I balanced myself on the bolts that held the back tire in place. We thought we were home free as he pedaled us out of danger, but then we realized why the bike had been abandoned. It had no brakes. I know we wore out some of the rubber on our Chuck Taylors trying to stop that thing before it dumped us out onto the oncoming traffic on Baltimore Street.

Our favorite thing to do though, was to hit the streets of Baltimore, starting around 2am or so, and tag the hell out of any wall that would hold spray paint. Actually, he would do most of the tagging. He was greedy with the paint. Now, this pastime immediately created some issues, not the least of which was obtaining said spray paint. He was under 18, so he couldn't buy it; and even though I could, I'm sure it would've raised a few eyebrows. The only way to get paint without making people suspicious was to steal it, or "rack it" in tagger lingo. So we went racking, a lot (you need a lot).

We were actually pretty good at it. I wore this oversized surplus military trench coat at the time that hung off me like a duster. It was good for about six cans. We'd walk in a paint store, and while he distracted the clerk, I would sidle my way over to to the cans of Krylon and carefully pack my pockets. When we went into department stores, first we would go over to the bag section and rip the tags off a back pack or two. We would then head over to the hardware section where we would organize the colors we wanted and lay them on their sides. Back to the bags, where we would sling the prepped knapsacks over our shoulders. Then back to hardware again, where we would quickly & quietly pack our sacks with our colors. The toughest part was walking out. I would always dread that hand on the shoulder as I got to the exit. Never happened.

It got to the point where we would just steal anything. I saw this shirt I liked, gray denim with red splotches. Really, it looked like someone had just shot me. Nevertheless, I went in the Young Men's dept. took my trench off, put the object of my affection on, put my trench back on over top and walked out. Chris loved the shirt, so I went back in and did it again so we both could have one. Did I say "Kids, don't try this at home" yet? Of course, it felt almost natural to me. When I was 9 or 10, my mother cut the tags off a coat in a Two Guys in NJ, told me to put it on, and we walked out without paying. Racking shit was already in my blood.

So the night he let me move in, we had to come up with a decent tag for me. I was a sucker for symmetry, so I had tagged "OttO for a while, putting dots in the "O"s to make them eyes. Then I had tagged "Fry" cuz that was part of my nickname growing up, "French Fry" or "French Fried Freddy", but Chris claimed that it was too short and had limited artistic potential. Eventually, we settled on SCAM or SKAM, depending on the mood. It was perfect, because back then, it always seemed like I was scamming my way into things or out of trouble. It stuck, and when we went tagging or "piecing", I would think of it as "goin' skammin'". That first night we tagged along Route40 from Highland Ave. in Highlandtown to Howard St. Downtown. The best part was holding on to Chris as he hung upside down over the Orleans Street Viaduct spraying his FASE tag so rush hour traffic could see it as it flowed down the Jones Falls Expressway.

The best times would happen when we went "piecing", meaning we were going to put up full-color works of graffiti, not just quick little tags. This always took planning and patience. One time a crew of us, Chris was part of Kant Stop Writing (KSW s'up!), wanted to put up a piece at an elementary school on Lombard St. Only problem was that there was already a piece there. Now piecing over someone else's piece is a good way to get your ass beat, so rather than risk a fight, we stole a bunch of milk crates from a nearby 7-11, tossed them onto the roof of the school, and stacked them so we could paint above the existing piece. I've never held on to a milk crate so hard in my life.

Another time, Chris & I were piecing alone. We were on the athletic field of Patterson High School. It was only 1am, too early to start. We decided to hide out in this little wooded section nearby. We came across a blanket someone had laid out, picnic style. Obviously, this was someone's make-out spot, but it was the perfect place to chill. There was a paper bag just sitting there, not far from the blanket, and immediately Chris & I thought it would be perfect if there were beer in it. I opened the bag, and sure enuff, a whole unopened six pack was there, chilled by the cold November air. Nothing like piecing with a good buzz on!

We weren't always so lucky. One night we were piecing at Stemmer's Run Middle, a school I had attended five years previously when I was living in Middle River. Beforehand, we stopped by this kid's house. He tagged "CARR", but not really, because he was always too scared of getting caught to go out with us. He was really good though, so sometimes Chris would have him do a "FASE" sketch for him to work from. We vainly tried to get him to come with, but his mom was having none of it. Back at the school, we start throwing up our outlines when Chris notice a car in the parking lot a couple hundred yards away. "Is that five-oh?" he asks, always a little paranoid. He would get angry if I looked at other people's work for too long during the day because he thought a cop might see us and "know" we were taggers.

"Nah! Can't be," I said, "I don't see the lights on top. Must be a couple making out." He couldn't stand not knowing, so we crept our way closer until we could make out the flashers on top. It seemed that at that very moment, we heard this sound in the distance. "fwooop fwooop fwooop" And then we could see it: a helicopter flying straight at us. We did the only thing we could think of. We dropped our paint and booked like illegal mexicans from border patrol. We made it about two thirds of the way across the campus, hitting a small hill, when I turned to look to see how far the chopper was. I swear to you, the bird's light was just about on our heals when it suddenly veered left and away from us. We made it to Carr's where we had planned to rendevous afterward, only to find a note on the door to his bedroom. "Sorry, my mom said I can't let you back in." At that point we realized that his mother had snitched us out.

Having nowhere to go, we just ran. At one point, we were so exhausted that we had to stop. We made it to this nearby High's convenience store. We took a moment to catch our breath, and casually walked in. We had hardly made it in the door when the cops cars came flying by, flashers making the High's feel like a disco. They didn't stop, but neither could we. We figured it was just a matter of time before they looped around and decided to check the High's. So we started running again, this time until we reached this giant drain pipe that poured into some stream, probably Stemmer's Run itself. We hid out on the banks of the stream for a couple of hours. When we felt the coast was clear, we made our way back to the school to see if the paint was still there. It was. So what the hell, we thought, we might as well finish what we started.


This situation with Chris didn't last too long though. I had a job and he didn't. I eventually realized he was mostly using me for my money. One night, he told me there was a big party at his girlfriend's house in Perry Hall. He convinced me to get a cab to take us there. When we got to her house, there was no party. We went straight to her bedroom where I had to lie on the floor listening to them fuck. That was the beginning of the end. I paid him back a few weeks later, but that's another story for another time.

Chris is in jail now. He apparently developed a streak of violence and apparently beat an old lady to death for her money. I saw it coming when I had heard he had struck the first blow in an incident where two of his friends beat a gay man to death in Patterson Park. The only reason he didn't get time for that was because his girlfriend at that point, Kim, had vouched that he wasn't involved. She told me about it when she lived with me for a short time. It was a bit sad, because I felt that if I had been around, I would have never let that happen. If I hadn't abandoned him, maybe he'd be out of jail today. Of course, if he had treated me with a little more respect, I wouldn't have felt the need to leave his ass behind. You don't scam SKAM.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

SonSpot

Mayday!  We celebrate it for many reasons, but I mostly honor it as my baby brother's birthday. Aside from the rap we wrote together,  I only have one other poem about him, thus far.

SonSpot was inspired by an incident that happened shortly after the death of my Grandma. Joe, my sister Kyra &, I went to the airport to catch flights to Puerto Rico for her funeral. Joe was turned away, unable to board the flight because he had no acceptable form of identification.

wearing Joe's favorite cap, all I have left besides memories
SonSpot

My baby brother died
with my mother,
not in a fiery mesh of auto-
mobiles, like all good
rebels, but in a slow,
black spiral dance.
I could only watch
as his silent, livid corpse
shambled along
the streets, one hand
asking "Why?"—the other
asking "When?"

My baby brother was reborn
When my grandmother died.
I watched him shrink
away as he watched
the plane taking off—
both hands pressed
against glass, asking
"how?"—but his face,
his face knew
the answers—
I could see
it brighten as I left
the ground, until,
as I crossed Cancer,
his tear-scarred cheeks
consumed the sun;

& from a thousand
miles away
I could feel
his heat, could see
his hands digging
into the earth,
finally searching
for the more important
questions.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Elegy for a Prom

Elegy for a Prom

In hindsight, it was the peach
schnapps that was the final
spike in the coffin
where my prom
lay rotting. I didn’t see
it, but I felt it, dread
spreading like pitch
in my belly, as KC cracked
the fifth open, swigging
the sweet syrup, sucking
& sucking & sucking
it down until reminded
that the schnapps
was for the whole party.

I smothered my stomach’s
complaints with hope
because that’s all I had left.

You see, KC was a dream—
just this hardcore Shirley
Temple, all whirls of gold
curls & dimply smiles wrapped
in a black Metallica tee.

I was just some geek,
a short one at that.
I lie. I was the King
of Geeks, sovereign
of my very own nerd herd,
capable of fitting in
where my subjects
never dared:
theater,
wrestling,
KC.

We were lunch friends,
me & KC, bonding over
math & metal,
but when I dared myself
to ask her, I knew
she would say no.

Yes was worse.
The pressure
for the perfect
prom, for a night
full of stars & hands
& tongues &...
well, let’s just say
I was a Vesuvius pimple,
ready to pop pus
all over poor Pompeii.

Perfect’s impossible,
but as I watched her glide
down the stairs drowning
in scarlet, as I nervously tied
the corsage about
her wrist while her parents
snapped pictures,
I allowed myself to believe.

& that’s where perfect died.

Already running late,
my broken stepfather,
with his broken English
got lost, had to stop
for directions
at a station full
of broken white trash
fools for whom
it was more important
to harass & laugh
at the foreign
guy than help.

We finally arrived, are rushed
to have the photographer snap
our pic. Starving, KC & I
explore the buffet, full
of what began life as cold
salads, now picked
over & discolored
with shrimp that were starting
to smell. We ate rice.

Band sadly won out
over DJ, & we were tortured
with songs that my mother
would have danced to
at her prom. We did dance
to one: Celebrate
good times, come on.
But you know how hard
it is to celebrate misery.

Frodo saved us.
Just as KC & I
were commiserating
with our eyes, trying
to find a way out,
Frodo approached
to let us know he & Sammi
were leaving for the Senior
Party, inviting us along.

Here was my last chance.
I ran to the payphone,
called my mother
& lied. A group
of us were heading
to the harbor to find
real food & hang out.
Mother would meet us
at midnight at the Chi-Chi’s
that was once on the corner
of Lombard & Market.

As KC & I slid
into the backseat
of Frodo’s Mustang
I imagined sliding
my hands under
yards of scarlet satin
in some secret, silent
corner somewhere...
& then I watched KC
guzzle a third
of a fifth of peach
schnapps.

We split
at the party. That
was fine, I didn’t
want to blow yet
another shot
due to overbearing
clinginess, a common
complaint.

I was sipping
beer in the basement,
sharing too many
good times
& goodbyes
when I realized
I’d lost
track of time.

Midnight was coming—
Pumpkin Time—
I scurried, hurrying
to call a cab & find...
Where the fuck is KC?
Someone thinks they saw
her upstairs, maybe
one of the bedrooms?
I raced up, skipping
steps, knocking
on the first door
I find, opening
just in time to see
KC being zipped up
by the star
of the baseball team.
I apologized & closed
the door.

It dawned on me,
sulking back
down
stairs:
KC had hit her homer,
I was the one
who’d struck out.

The cab ride
should have been full
of nothing but silence,
space for me to seeth.
I couldn’t even have that!
She was nauseous.
Was it the liquor or the guilt?
I didn’t care. I just begged
her to hold it in
until we got down
town. I didn’t want
to take the chance
that my mother
would beat us
there and beat me
afterwards,
possibly
in front of KC.

KC rolled out
of the cab
on the corner
of Lombard &
Market, sprinting
to the hedges
wrapped around Chi-Chi’s.
I paid the driver
& got to KC
in time to rub
her back as she spewed
forth a toxic blend
of rice & peach schnapps.
KC was wiping her mouth
as my mother pulled
around the corner,
honking.

“What’s wrong with her?”
mother asked
about the girl moaning
in her backseat.

“Remember the shrimp
I told you smelled bad?
Apparently, it was.”

I led the moaning, groaning
KC to her door. Before
I could finish knocking,
KC’s pulling away,
rushing for the gutter,
spilling her guts, again.

I’d had enough.

I jumped into the car,
yelling at my mom
to go.

“Is KC going to be
alright?”

“She’ll be fine,”
I said, “Go, just go!”
There was nothing
left to do but go
home, go fetal, go mourn
the death of prom
& hope.

Monday, April 16, 2012

REALLY Old Poetry

The following poems are two of my oldest, written when I was in my very early 20s, before I took my first college level writing course. Laugh at me if you want, but be kind. Besides, vampires are still vogue, right?
Eternal

I'd love to be a vampire
& entice you with my grace,
seduce you with my bedroom eyes,
take you in my dark embrace,

Then we could both be vampires
& watch eternities unfold,
witness history come & go,
never growing old.

We'd be creatures of the dark,
free of mortal complications,
free to love a million years,
melting in with each new generation.

The seven wonders of the world
would exist solely for us to admire;
we'd watch them crumble to the earth;
we'd create new wonders to our desire.

I'd show you the land;
you'd show me the sea,
yet our greatest pleasure
would lie 'tween each others knees.

We would live together,
                  run together,
                  love together,
                  hunt together.

Until at a time of our choosing,
once we knew we could no longer be,
You & I would walk hand in hand into the fire,
to join the ashes of eternity.



Under the Whatever Tree

¿Strolling? Yeah, strolling:
Strolling, with an adolescent giddiness
I haven't felt since my days of scholarly pursuit,
(Yeah, right! More like my pursuit of a good time.)
strolling, with her strolling next to me,
& I'm a clumsy little schoolboy again
wanting, trying to hold her hand;
but I don't, not sure if I should,
not sure she wants me to,
not sure she wants me.

So I settle for sly touches
disguised as clumsy little bumps,
& we stroll & bump & sip cheap tequila
trying not to make funny faces,
(¡God that shit tastes terrible!)
until we feel all good & tingly,
& we stroll under a sycamore
(or whatever, I don't know trees)
to relax on a bed of grass & headlines.

Frolic? ¡Yeah, Frolic!
We frolicked just a little bit,
under the Whatever Tree,
pinching, prying, tickle-poking,
a bit of laughter, a bit of joking,
having fun enjoying the bit of numbness
between our ears.
We got each other sticky sweet,
(Or she got me, I can't speak for her)
Until our eyes catch,
(kinda like what always happens in soaps & chick flicks, you know?),
& of course, we kissed,
we kissed,
& we kissed
under the Whatever Tree;
& of course I wanted more,
but it wasn't my place to ask,
& I didn't.

I just start strolling, again
all the way to the subway;
she watches me leave,
leaves me wanting more.